Bittersweet

Sometimes the simplest of advice is all we need

Comments Off

As usual my great niece Madison was the star

she looks innocent but she’s kicking the fish

Escape!

Comments Off

I’ve definately been a grizzly as of late

What it could be versus what it will be. This post could be really cathartic for me or it might end up being a big jumbled mess depending on how honest I can force myself to be.

we all do it, we spout off little so called enlightened sayings without truely feeling or knowing what they mean. "walk in faith", "every action has a reaction", "give it over to the Lord", etc etc. There’s a lot of them but these 3 are biggies in my life. I say them a great deal to people when they are asking my advice or talking to me about some dark moment in their lives. I’ve realized lately that basically I’m full of shit.  It’s pretty easy to mouth off but in reality it’s hard as hell to live by your own advice.

I really had myself convinced that I had reached a point in my life where although flawed I was pretty much a decent person. I prided myself on the knowledge that I never intentionally do anything to hurt another person. I’m honest, forthright and fiercly loyal. But as I once read in a Stephen King novel, "pride is a woman’s sin", and this woman here needs to humble herself big time.

Recently my actions caused pain to someone else. If I had allowed myself to think about it I would have seen it coming but I don’t get to plead ignorance here. In my heart I knew what I was doing but I got around it by intentionally wholly disregarding this person. If I didn’t think about her then of course she didn’t exist. That’s charming isn’t it? Sad part is I would never have allowed anyone to do this me.

 Now the chickens have come home to roost and this may have cost me a friendship that meant the world to me and I have no one to blame but myself.

So what do you do next? Once you have identified the problem. You try to make ammends as best you kind and then you pray on it. Sounds easy enough except that I tried to pray on it without mentioning it. I didn’t want to own it so I tried skirting around it. I even got impatient with God when I realized it wasn’t working. You know my heart Lord, why do I have to give voice to it?

That was a hard night which left me bleeding and emotionally naked. I never knew this side of me and I wasn’t pleased to discover it. I knew now that I had done what I could do to fix it and now it was time to hand it over to God. I’m not a stupid person so I also know that his solution may not be what I want so I don’t see this going well either. It’s my natural need to continue to tinker even though I know that will only make it worse. "Woman thou art loosed" hardly it’s more like "woman thou needs to check yourself"

All joking aside I’m hard on myself.  Losing a friend and having to face God with myself is difficult enough but I know I can be forgiven. It’s a gift I often think I don’t deserve.

 What’s harder is what I do and will continue to do to myself over all of this. Forgiving myself is a toughy and I’ll carry this with me for a very long time.

2 Comments »

i’m having one of those days where I go from mood to mood

This idiot put me in a Bad Mood

This one put me in a Sad Mood

Just when I thought I was deep in despair a Good Mood happened.

Now for a giggle    Good for them!

Comments Off

I swear I’m not NOT blogging again. As is the story of my sad little life, the moment I tell you how great I feel something goes wonky on me.

I’ve been battling a serious case of systemic poison ivy. Yes Sir it seems I did inhale. This is kicking my butt and proving difficult to get rid of.  For those of you who do not know what makes systemic poison ivy different than regular poison ivy, it’s in my bloodstream and lungs. Best guess scenario is that 2 weeks ago we had some hellacious wind here and of course I was out in it. Somewhere there was poison waiting to catch flight and find itself a home within me.

I did not know this and maybe you don’t either but when you see a Dr for such a thing NEVER NEVER NEVER allow them to put you on a six day steroid pack. tell your Dr as Jerry Lee Lewis says in  Walk The Line "don’t do it, don’t think about doing it, don’t think about thinking about doing it" or something to that effect. All it does is suppress it until you finish the course then it roars back with a vengeance. It actually takes a 3 week course to kill it. My Dr didn’t know this, she does now.

On a lighter note this song was played for me by a giggling lunatic yesterday. I missed the recurring rash and Highlander lines, it took me until the "someday I’ll learn to play guitar " line to realize I was being made fun of.

ok fine I can handle it. I was getting tired of being told my theme song was Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong. And I AM learning to play guitar!

2 Comments »

Every once in awhile I get an email asking where I’m at and why aren’t I blogging? Aren’t you angry, don’t you care? Yeah I’m angry and it gets worse every single day. Basically I’m a rather zen laid back, live and let live kinda girl, and I didn’t want to allow the anger to take control of me. There’s not a lot I can do to change things, other than let my feelings be known by writing a few letters, making some phone calls and donating to causes I strongly support. We do what we can.

I don’t like my loved ones sticking their noses in my business so I hardly like our government doing so. Yesterday I had a major WTF moment when I got home from the gym. In my email I had a link letting me know that  Congressman Henry Waxman was taking this government intrusion to a very personal level for me. Seems he is seeking to put the vitamin and herbal supplement industry under FTC control, pardon my language but this a a complete dick move sneaking this amendment into the wall street reform bill.

Now if you are like me you might have understood although still not be happy about it, if it were the FDA. After all some safety standards wouldn’t be a bad idea. But this isn’t about that. Nope this isn’t about insuring the quality and safety of the industry, it’s about extorting money from the companies involved who will then have to pass this cost down to people like me who use these products.

So now they’ve got me mad. You see I spent almost the entire winter being incredibly ill. I saw I think 5 or 6 different doctors who could not figure out what was going on with me. So they prescribed me medication after medication. This caused me to get much worse. At one point there was worry that my heart was failing, then I started to lose use of my legs due to an extreme neuropathy, and the muscles in my arms became so weak I couldn’t lift a baking sheet. I was tested for just about everything you can imagine from diabetes to lyme disease. I even had to undergo a heart catheterization “just in case”.

I should not fail to mention waking up Thanksgiving morning to find that I once again had Bells Palsy, thankfully this time it didn’t take 18 months to go away, it was gone in a few days.
The turning point came for me in late March when I saw my new primary care physician and she could not touch me without causing me pain. She reviewed my medical history and said enough was enough and took me off all medications. Within 3 days I was pain free but in a very weakened condition. I decided to take matters into my own hands. I researched what my body was lacking and I began a vitamin and supplement program.

I’m actually in better health today than I was before this all began at the end of last summer. What started out as a simple intestinal infection became a living nightmare for me that came close to costing me my life. Due to over medication that created new problems which gave birth to even more medications that my body couldn’t handle.

I didn’t jump into this whole vitamin and supplement thing uneducated and I did check with both my primary care physician and my gynecologist to make sure I was taking nothing that could harm me or interact adversely with each other. I’ve been completely released from the cardiologists care and he is the one who informed me that I have an extreme sensitivity to pharmaceuticals, and from now on whatever Dr I see will have to excersise caution if I require any medication at all.

Maybe you can see where this is my I’ve had enough moment. I want this government out of my business and yes Jeff that even applies to the growing and use of marijuana although I do neither.  Come on explain to me why the government should have the right to say whether we can grow a plant or not. Think about that, its a plant for heavens sake and as long as its not processed and mixed with anything then how is it anyone’s business if a person chooses to grow it and use it. You’re all into whole foods and organics. How can you get more natural than this?

As a nod to Kevin who always manages to find music to match his posts, although I can’t embed it this is how I feel.

2 Comments »

Congrats team USA! Moving on to the final 4

Comments Off